I feel like being a nurse is one of the most important jobs out there.. but I could be biased! Before getting married and having kids, it was the thing that gave me the most satisfaction in life. The job, itself, of helping people in need with various ailments or possibly life threatening emergencies provides a lot of immediate gratification, not something you always find in any old career path (and certainly not on a daily basis with parenting...haha).
However, this feeling of immediate gratification from implementing lifesaving or altering interventions can be somewhat addicting. When you're not in that environment, it's hard not to crave the rewards of your labor or at least notice their absence. I've met a plenty of ED nurses with wild lives outside the work place because they have "adrenaline junky" like tendencies, generally. I don't necessarily include myself in that category. (But I probably should 😉)
What I always wanted to be more than a nurse was a mom! I started baby sitting when I was 12 years old and my parents had a day care, so I couldn't really imagine my adult life without children being intricately involved. I had three very special children that I baby sat from the time they were 6, 3, and 6 months old until they were old enough to be home alone. The oldest of the kids just got married and is expecting one of her own and the middle is in his first year of college. I was one of the only high school kids I knew that carried car seats around in their car because of my frequent need to use them.
I was, however, very appreciative of my season as a young, single adult with a good wage. I was able to travel and explore with few limitations, something I hadn't ever experienced before that season of life. I had been an ED and sexual assault response team (SART) nurse for 5 years before I met/married my husband (now ex). The intensity of the ED lost a good chunk of it's appeal for me in the first 6 months of my marriage. I had plenty of "excitement" in my personal life causing very little need from work to keep me happy.
Work became draining because I didn't have the ability to control my time off as directly, and I had interest in doing more than just sleeping as a newlywed. Sleep is something I don't tolerate going without overly gracefully, so I made sure I got plenty of it on my days off as a single person. That felt increasingly harder to accomplish as we moved into our first new home together as a married couple and prepared to take our first medical mission trip of our married life, all within the first 4 months of marriage. (Chaos was a norm for us from the get go, I'm afraid.)
The increased general life stress and the compassion fatigue/burnout, that was inevitable to set in, soon led to my first job change outside the ED setting. I had a nurse friend (previously from the hospital) who was married to a paramedic (also now divorced) I worked with that had transitioned to a job at the local Indian health clinic who was looking for a Community Health Nurse. I quickly jumped on the opportunity.
The change of pace and focus was refreshing. It was fun to apply myself in new ways and discover a totally different type of nursing that still felt important. The focus was on preventative health measures that help people stay well instead of clearly and strictly addressing problems of the unwell.
My ex-husband was eager to have children, and although I always wanted kids, I was interested in waiting a little longer because I felt like the adjustments of married life and all the other changes were plenty for me to handle at the time. So we agreed to get a puppy! Finley, our little mutt rescue from the shelter, was our first addition to the family. (He's still our loyal pet today and loves our children well.)
About 2 months into my new job, I discovered I had conceived unexpectedly like my first week on the job! (So much for our puppy dog compromise 🙄) I was in total denial about being pregnant at first. My husband is the one that suggested I take a pregnancy test before opening the bottle of wine I intended to drink with dinner one night. I was offended by the implication that my recent emotional state was obvious enough to warrant a pregnancy investigation! 😆
He was obviously right! I was still baffled because, as a nurse and one that wasn't overly interested in a baby yet, I paid pretty close attention to the factors that lead to conception. I had quite a bit of confidence in my ability to avoid an unintentional pregnancy. But as the old saying goes..."abstinence is the only official guaranteed method" to prevent pregnancy. I was honestly disappointed with myself for not being more excited, initially. I had always desired kids, but life was more complex than I imagined it being when I would have ideally been ready to start a family. I later realized, that that "day" would never come.
I'll spare you the majority of my pregnancy and birthing experiences for now. Those experiences can be shared in another post about motherhood perhaps. I was mostly saddened by the fact that I knew we would not be able to financially afford for me to work less to be home with the baby. It was my hope that by the time baby #2 came along we would be in a position that would allow me to work less. This was still not the case, but I was at least tolerating only working 3 days a week at that time.
This current maternity leave will be the longest chunk of time I have ever had off work since the inception of my nursing career. I had a 6 week break about 2 years ago when I had a medical leave for a surgery to repair my body from damage from my 2nd pregnancy and to increase the likelihood of me tolerating a 3rd pregnancy, should the opportunity arise. The break, although be it for unpleasant reasons, was warmly welcomed at the time also. I was commuting out of town for three 12 hour shifts a week with a 1.5 hour drive minimum one direction at the time. The 6 week break was conveniently located in the winter when my travels usually consisted of harsher conditions from potentially inclement weather thru mountainous terrain.
I felt fairly revived physically, mentally, and emotionally after this chunk of time off for which a good portion of it was spent in my hometown in Montana with my parents during my recovery. Our family has pretty strategically taken advantage of my pregnancy and medical leaves in the past to also allot for extra time with my family out of state. Especially with a growing family, traveling 2,000 miles home becomes increasingly challenging as family and work dynamics evolve and change over time. Sadly, my sense of refreshment after that stent off was somewhat momentary, lasting approximately 3 months, thanks to the COVID crisis kicking into full swing about that time in life.
I'm extraordinarily grateful that I married a man who was willing to participate in raising our children in such as direct way when I was away at work. We adjusted my schedule almost continuously to try to figure out which combination of 3 days every week would be most conducive to home life, limiting the stress for me as a full-time working mom and his stress as a mostly stay at home father.
My husband is super skilled in many ways and worked building ag fence or laying tile or performing welding repairs on our neighbor's water truck whenever he could around my schedule help keep his sanity and to provide extra income. However, it's always felt like a constant dance of needing to make tweaks and adjustments to prevent our lives from falling apart. I think that is just a part of life when raising small kids, and I'm hopeful the intensity of the season won't last forever. (Sadly, the intensity of that season ultimately ended in the dissolution of our marriage, an unfortunate but necessary decision for the wellbeing of me and my kids.)
As much as I've resented being a full time working mom since my babies were born, it has made me treasure the time I get with them more. I was nearly in tears (or maybe I was) as my girls and I embarked on our first ever "girls only" road trip to go see my sister and her family in Denver this weekend. (I will also be attending my good high school friend's wedding celebration!) I don't recall traveling with them myself for more than just a few hours, probably to my other sister's house, anytime in the past. Traveling with small children any distance is no easy feat, even when both parents are making the journey. However, my heart felt so full and free in that moment, knowing I didn't have to worry about a single thing this trip except enjoying the presence of my kids and being their mom.
I think it would be more challenging for me to appreciate some of these moments with restless, fighting kids in the back seat that are eager to be out of the vehicle for the day, if I had been able to be home full-time with them like I really longed to be.
Kuddos to all those stay at home parents out there, it is no easy endeavor. But I have been envious of you from the very beginning of my journey as a mother. Parenting is one of the greatest privileges on the planet, not that it's always easy to recognize or acknowledge in the throws of it. I'm so very thankful to have the opportunity to be home more after this next and final baby comes. (Final baby from that union, turns out 🫢)! I'm determined to cherish the moments, even the hard ones, because it's not time you ever get back.
Update as of December 2024: I wrote this post while I was still married to my ex-husband and pregnant with our 3rd child. I was physically abused during that pregnancy, something I didn't tell almost anyone for quite some time. My ex had surgery to ensure he couldn't get me pregnant again, as I was very concerned my body wouldn't physically tolerate another pregnancy.
Fast forward 3 years, and I've been physically removed from what became an obviously toxic/destruvtice marriage for over a year. My baby boy that I conceived (again, unexpectedly, with a different father💙) last December is almost 4 months old!
I was able to stay home during my entire pregnancy and will be able to continue to for a longer period of time than I could with any of my daughters! As challenging as this season has been, it has also been so redeeming and a fulfillment of my true heart's desire to be a mom before a nurse!
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